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Overcoming Suicidal Pain

Being Grateful When You Feel Depressed

“Count your blessings, not your crosses,
Count your gains, not your losses.
Count your joys instead of your woes,
Count your friends instead of your foes.
Covet your health, not your wealth.”

Proverb

One of the most effective mental health recovery tools I have encountered is practicing gratitude.  At first, the idea of practicing gratitude when being depressed may not make sense. I have heard clients tell me–”I am in the hell of depression–what do I have to be thankful about?” My answer is that if you look hard, you will find something. For example, you might identify a few simple blessings, such as,  “The sun is shining,” “I have a roof over my head,” “I have enough to eat,” My body is in reasonable health,” “I have a good friend,” “I feel love for my child,” and so on.

When we give thanks, we automatically focus our attention on what is working in our life instead of what is not working. This shift in perception actually changes brain chemistry and counteracts the negative thinking that is the hallmark of depression. Perhaps this is why a wise man said, “When you learn to love hell, you will be in heaven.”

What would it be like if you began each day by asking, “What is beneficial in my life right now? What can I be grateful for? What or who is working to support me in my health and healing?” There is a spiritual law that says, whatever you focus on expands. As you pay more attention to the good in your life, you will notice more and more of that good–and through the law of attraction, you will attract more good to you.

Expressing gratitude does not mean denying pain or uncomfortable feelings. It doesn’t mean that you’re not in the darkness. But it does help you to recognize those points of light that exist in the darkness.

Try this gratitude exercise. At the end of the day, write down an event that went well, or something you are grateful for (see if you can come up with three). Do this for 21 days. At the end of three weeks, you may feel a bit lighter or more optimistic. To support this process, you can place something by your bedside (an object, a photograph, an affirmation, etc.) that helps to instill a feeling of gratitude. As you set aside time each day to give thanks, you will notice the presence of grace even during difficult times.

I wish you the best in your healing journey.

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Overcoming Suicidal Pain

It Takes More Than a Pill to Heal From Depression

If there is one thing that I learned from my depressive episode, it is this—that it takes more than a pill to heal from depression. When I tried antidepressants, either they did not reduce my depression substantially, or I could not endure their side effects Thus, I had to explore other ways to treat my symptoms.

I am not alone. According to a government study published in 2006, Antidepressants fail to cure the symptoms of major depression in half of all patients with the disorder even if they receive the best possible care. Thus, other self-care modalities should be combined with antidepressant therapy.

It makes sense to look at depression holistically. Since depression is a disorder of the body, mind and spirit, then it most be addressed using a body-mind-spirit recovery program. As Dr. Andrew Weil states:

“To optimize the function of the healing system, you must do everything in your power to improve physical health, mental/emotional health, and spiritual health…One must see the whole picture of health, and understand the importance of working on all fronts”

An example of this integrative approach can be seen in the way we approach heart disease. If you went to a cardiologist and wanted to know how to prevent a heart attack (or to recover from one), he or she might prescribe a cholesterol-lowering medication and tell you to eat a low-fat diet, exercise three to four times a week, and cut down on the stress in your life.

In a similar manner, depression should be approached holistically–i.e., on a variety of levels. In working to find ways to achieve my own emotional balance, I identified five levels of self-care –physical self-care, mental/emotional self-care, social support, spiritual connection, and lifestyle habits, as shown by the diagram below.

Healing from depression can be likened to assembling a jigsaw puzzle. For the puzzle (and ourselves) to be whole and complete, all of the pieces must be in their proper place, as shown in the diagram below.

As you read through self-care activities, you will see that there is nothing new or radical in what I have suggested. The plan is a simple common sense approach to living a healthy and balanced life. But simple does not mean easy. Developing and sticking to good habits requires persistence, discipline and diligence (ask anyone who has quit smoking). But the dedication is worth it. Having spent too many days in the dark house, I do not wish to return; and I am confident that neither do you.

There is one final point that I would like to emphasize. No matter how many episodes of depression you have experienced, you are not your illness. The label “depression” does not define who you are but how you are suffering. If you start to believe that having depression makes you inherently defective, remind yourself that you are a normal person responding to an abnormal condition. Your spiritual essence transcends depression and cannot be touched by it or any illness. As the great 20th century visionary Pierre Teilhard de Chardin put it, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Above all, try to be at peace with your condition. Some people have diabetes, others heart disease; you get to deal with depression. By applying the strategies described in this web site, you can take small steps to improve the quality of your life. Remember, life is not always about fairness, but about how gracefully we learn the teachings of our unique path. Best wishes on your transformational journey.

Feel free to contact me …

Categories
Overcoming Suicidal Pain

If You Find Yourself in Hell, Learn to Tread Fire

This article first appeared on the blog of the website Alliance of Hope.

It was a typical morning on May 8, 1997. I woke up in the same black mood that I had been experiencing for the last eight months. I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode and was scheduled to go to my therapy group that day. Normally, my wife Joan would help me get ready and then drive me to the Pacific Counseling Center. This day, however, she took me aside and said, “We’re not going to day treatment today. I have something I need to share with you.”

Joan then took me by the hand and we went outside, walking down the tree-lined streets of Portland’s Alameda neighborhood. After we had gone a few blocks, Joan stopped me and said, “Somebody that you know has died. “

I thought about the many friends who were helping me through this horrible depressive episode. Could it be one of them? I asked Joan who it was. 

She responded, “I’m sorry to bring you this bad news, but your therapist Anne  has died.” 

I was stunned to hear those words. Anne was a relatively young woman and as far as I knew in good health. 

“Are you sure? How did she die?” I asked.

“She died by suicide,” Joan responded. 

My first reaction was that of shock. How could this be? I knew that Anne had been severely depressed since the recent loss of her therapy job and the death of her father. But I didn’t realize that she was experiencing this depth of despair.

I hadn’t worked with Anne for nine months, but the memory of the three years I spent as a member of her therapy group was fresh in my mind. I started attending the group during a painful separation from my wife Joan. Over time, the group had become my new family. The five other members and I had become very close, and Anne was the glue that held us all together. I couldn’t imagine that she had left us. I was silent as I processed the many painful feelings I was experiencing. After a few minutes, Joan asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’m alright,” I replied. “I just need some time to think about this. I’m glad you prevented me from going to my therapy group today. I could not have focused on the group with all of this on my mind.”

As the day progressed, I thought about my memories with Anne and how helpful she had been. Then, I thought about all the times during this depressive episode that I had contemplated suicide to end my current torment. 

Suddenly, I realized that Anne’s death was showing me a path I did NOT want to take. My survival instinct had become activated, and a voice within me called out, “I want to live.” I also considered the effect that my death would have on my friends and family; a trauma that could last for the rest of their lives. I knew that if I killed myself, they would not only be grief-stricken, but angry and feeling guilty as well. “Why drag my loved ones into my nightmare?” I thought. I remembered the words spoken to me by a friend, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain; it just passes it on.” 

In the days ahead, I had new insights about Anne’s death. During her depression, she left Portland and moved to southern California to live with her daughter. Anne’s support system remained behind in Portland, making it difficult for her to connect with those of us who cared about her. I felt sad that she did not get the help she needed. Thinking about her isolation made me realize that I needed to reach out for more support in my own life.

Anne’s death brought about a determination to stay alive that was an important factor in helping me to survive my suicidal episode. After my recovery, I decided to take what I had learned through my depressive ordeal and use it to support others who were going through similar mental health crises. This led to the publication of my book Healing From Depression, the creation of my website healingfromdepression.com, my depression recovery YouTube channel, and this website: overcomingsuicidalpain.com.

Anne’s life was tragically cut short. Yet, twenty-four years later I still think about the impact she had on my life. She guided me through a painful period and helped me to survive a difficult transition. This is why I dedicated my book Healing From Depression to Anne Zimmerman with these words: “Although you could not save yourself, your spirit lives on in the lives of those whom you loved and served.“

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Overcoming Suicidal Pain

Growth Through Pain

This article first appeared on the blog of the website Alliance of Hope.

It was a typical morning on May 8, 1997. I woke up in the same black mood that I had been experiencing for the last eight months. I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode and was scheduled to go to my therapy group that day. Normally, my wife Joan would help me get ready and then drive me to the Pacific Counseling Center. This day, however, she took me aside and said, “We’re not going to day treatment today. I have something I need to share with you.”

Joan then took me by the hand and we went outside, walking down the tree-lined streets of Portland’s Alameda neighborhood. After we had gone a few blocks, Joan stopped me and said, “Somebody that you know has died. “

I thought about the many friends who were helping me through this horrible depressive episode. Could it be one of them? I asked Joan who it was. 

She responded, “I’m sorry to bring you this bad news, but your therapist Anne  has died.” 

I was stunned to hear those words. Anne was a relatively young woman and as far as I knew in good health. 

“Are you sure? How did she die?” I asked.

“She died by suicide,” Joan responded. 

My first reaction was that of shock. How could this be? I knew that Anne had been severely depressed since the recent loss of her therapy job and the death of her father. But I didn’t realize that she was experiencing this depth of despair.

I hadn’t worked with Anne for nine months, but the memory of the three years I spent as a member of her therapy group was fresh in my mind. I started attending the group during a painful separation from my wife Joan. Over time, the group had become my new family. The five other members and I had become very close, and Anne was the glue that held us all together. I couldn’t imagine that she had left us. I was silent as I processed the many painful feelings I was experiencing. After a few minutes, Joan asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’m alright,” I replied. “I just need some time to think about this. I’m glad you prevented me from going to my therapy group today. I could not have focused on the group with all of this on my mind.”

As the day progressed, I thought about my memories with Anne and how helpful she had been. Then, I thought about all the times during this depressive episode that I had contemplated suicide to end my current torment. 

Suddenly, I realized that Anne’s death was showing me a path I did NOT want to take. My survival instinct had become activated, and a voice within me called out, “I want to live.” I also considered the effect that my death would have on my friends and family; a trauma that could last for the rest of their lives. I knew that if I killed myself, they would not only be grief-stricken, but angry and feeling guilty as well. “Why drag my loved ones into my nightmare?” I thought. I remembered the words spoken to me by a friend, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain; it just passes it on.” 

In the days ahead, I had new insights about Anne’s death. During her depression, she left Portland and moved to southern California to live with her daughter. Anne’s support system remained behind in Portland, making it difficult for her to connect with those of us who cared about her. I felt sad that she did not get the help she needed. Thinking about her isolation made me realize that I needed to reach out for more support in my own life.

Anne’s death brought about a determination to stay alive that was an important factor in helping me to survive my suicidal episode. After my recovery, I decided to take what I had learned through my depressive ordeal and use it to support others who were going through similar mental health crises. This led to the publication of my book Healing From Depression, the creation of my website healingfromdepression.com, my depression recovery YouTube channel, and this website: overcomingsuicidalpain.com.

Anne’s life was tragically cut short. Yet, twenty-four years later I still think about the impact she had on my life. She guided me through a painful period and helped me to survive a difficult transition. This is why I dedicated my book Healing From Depression to Anne Zimmerman with these words: “Although you could not save yourself, your spirit lives on in the lives of those whom you loved and served.“

Categories
Overcoming Suicidal Pain

What I Learned from My Therapist’s Suicide

This article first appeared on the blog of the website Alliance of Hope.

It was a typical morning on May 8, 1997. I woke up in the same black mood that I had been experiencing for the last eight months. I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode and was scheduled to go to my therapy group that day. Normally, my wife Joan would help me get ready and then drive me to the Pacific Counseling Center. This day, however, she took me aside and said, “We’re not going to day treatment today. I have something I need to share with you.”

Joan then took me by the hand and we went outside, walking down the tree-lined streets of Portland’s Alameda neighborhood. After we had gone a few blocks, Joan stopped me and said, “Somebody that you know has died. “

I thought about the many friends who were helping me through this horrible depressive episode. Could it be one of them? I asked Joan who it was. 

She responded, “I’m sorry to bring you this bad news, but your therapist Anne  has died.” 

I was stunned to hear those words. Anne was a relatively young woman and as far as I knew in good health. 

“Are you sure? How did she die?” I asked.

“She died by suicide,” Joan responded. 

My first reaction was that of shock. How could this be? I knew that Anne had been severely depressed since the recent loss of her therapy job and the death of her father. But I didn’t realize that she was experiencing this depth of despair.

I hadn’t worked with Anne for nine months, but the memory of the three years I spent as a member of her therapy group was fresh in my mind. I started attending the group during a painful separation from my wife Joan. Over time, the group had become my new family. The five other members and I had become very close, and Anne was the glue that held us all together. I couldn’t imagine that she had left us. I was silent as I processed the many painful feelings I was experiencing. After a few minutes, Joan asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’m alright,” I replied. “I just need some time to think about this. I’m glad you prevented me from going to my therapy group today. I could not have focused on the group with all of this on my mind.”

As the day progressed, I thought about my memories with Anne and how helpful she had been. Then, I thought about all the times during this depressive episode that I had contemplated suicide to end my current torment. 

Suddenly, I realized that Anne’s death was showing me a path I did NOT want to take. My survival instinct had become activated, and a voice within me called out, “I want to live.” I also considered the effect that my death would have on my friends and family; a trauma that could last for the rest of their lives. I knew that if I killed myself, they would not only be grief-stricken, but angry and feeling guilty as well. “Why drag my loved ones into my nightmare?” I thought. I remembered the words spoken to me by a friend, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain; it just passes it on.” 

In the days ahead, I had new insights about Anne’s death. During her depression, she left Portland and moved to southern California to live with her daughter. Anne’s support system remained behind in Portland, making it difficult for her to connect with those of us who cared about her. I felt sad that she did not get the help she needed. Thinking about her isolation made me realize that I needed to reach out for more support in my own life.

Anne’s death brought about a determination to stay alive that was an important factor in helping me to survive my suicidal episode. After my recovery, I decided to take what I had learned through my depressive ordeal and use it to support others who were going through similar mental health crises. This led to the publication of my book Healing From Depression, the creation of my website healingfromdepression.com, my depression recovery YouTube channel, and this website: overcomingsuicidalpain.com.

Anne’s life was tragically cut short. Yet, twenty-four years later I still think about the impact she had on my life. She guided me through a painful period and helped me to survive a difficult transition. This is why I dedicated my book Healing From Depression to Anne Zimmerman with these words: “Although you could not save yourself, your spirit lives on in the lives of those whom you loved and served.“

Categories
Overcoming Suicidal Pain

Is Suicide a Selfish Act?

Is Suicide a Selfish Act?

The other day a group member in one of my educational support groups made a startling announcement. It was the twentieth anniversary of his uncles’ suicide, something he had never talked about. 

As the group member reflected on this memory he said, “My uncle had so many people who loved him. I am angry. I see what he did as a selfish act.” He then paused at length and said, “On the other hand, my uncle was deep into his depression. I suppose he just wanted out of his pain. Nonetheless, I’m still upset.” 

Hearing this story made me wonder, “Is suicide a selfish act?” This is a complex question, but in short, I believe: “No it is not.” The person who is suicidally depressed does not want to die; he just wants to get out of his pain. The problem is that this pain is unbearable, ever-present, and worst-of-all it feels like it will never end. In this context, suicide is often seen not as an act of self-destruction, but as an act of self-love.

But what about the devastating impact of suicide on the people left behind? Doesn’t the suicidal person think of them? They certainly do. During my 1997 suicidal depression, I was concerned that if I killed myself, my friends and family would not only be grief-stricken, but angry and guilty as well. “I’ve already gone through so much suffering, why would I want to inflict this on people I love?” I thought. Years later, a group member expressed a similar sentiment. “If it weren’t for my children, I would have checked out a long time ago,” he said. “They are what keep me here.”

Other accounts

Hearing accounts like this, you would think that the suicidal person would use their connections to loved ones as a deterrent to self-harm. That’s what I believed until a group member shared her suicide attempt of the previous year. At the time of the attempt, she had two daughters, seven and eleven. 

“For me, it was not a selfish act,” Fran said. “My brain was so sick that I could not connect to my two girls. They were like ghosts to me. People told me, ‘Stay close to your daughters. They will keep you here.’ I loved my daughters, but I couldn’t feel the love. Neither could I think about the consequences. I had crossed the point of no return where no one or nothing could anchor me here.“

“Right now that I am in remission I feel the love for my daughters and I would never do anything to hurt them” she continued. “But when I was actively suicidal, my thinking was not rational. I was in so much pain at that point. I had been hospitalized five times within the year. My marriage was incredibly stressful. It all combined to push me over the edge.”

Fran then continued by sharing that her suicidal depression was triggered by her father’s suicide two years previous. But, she was able to reach a point of not being mad at her father.” He was in so much pain,…” she said. “…that he couldn’t think of us. I felt sad for him, but not angry. I don’t think he was in his right mind. Who could jump off a high rise building in their right mind?”

When someone is in abject pain, their overriding need is to end their suffering. And in the process, their thoughts can deceive them. Often people in suicidal pain believe that their loved ones would be better off without them, thus their death a generous act. They see death as the only way to end their agony and that the effects on others will be forgotten or slight. Unfortunately, the aftereffects of suicide on survivors are immense and can last a lifetime.

Although I do not believe that suicide is a selfish act, I also don’t believe it is the most skillful choice. I have learned there are ways to counteract the lies that our brains tell us in a suicidal crisis. I have learned that there are ways to cope with and reduce one’s pain besides ending one’s life. This website is dedicated to sharing these coping strategies for overcoming suicidal pain.

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Overcoming Suicidal Pain

The Coronavirus and Your Mental Health

As of today, December 12, 2020, we are nine long months into the Coronavirus pandemic. During this time, our lives have been turned upside down. A combination of stressors has taken a toll on people’s mental health—the disruption of routines, social isolation, economic stress, and uncertainty about the future. My mental health has been impacted because I’ve lost the ability to play chess weekly with my best friend Stuart. We’ve been playing for fifty-eight years, and it has served as a source of support and connection.

Nevertheless, there are many ways we can support our well-being, even with the limitations we face at this time. I’d like to share the four that I feel are most crucial:

    • Continue to reach out to others, despite social isolation.
    • Find ways to create structure and routine in your life.
    • Care for your physical body.
    • Give yourself positive messages to counter fear and anxiety about the future.

Social Isolation
Let’s start with what I consider to be the most significant thing you can do: finding ways to cope with social isolation. I have always maintained that social connection is a major contributor to good mental health. In many parts of the country and the world, however, social distancing and lockdowns are preventing people from having direct social contact and spending time together. 

But social isolation does not have to mean emotional isolation. As technology has given us ways to connect other than in person, I encourage you to use what is available. Text messaging can be helpful when you are having a difficult time reaching out. And the phone can be useful in creating deeper connection through voice. During my previous depressive breakdowns I would spend hours at a time calming my anxiety by talking to counselors on the Multnomah County crisis line. The phone was my lifeline. Consider how Zoom calls can be a way for us to visit more intimately with friends inside their homes, alongside their children or pets. While these forms of reaching out can never take the place of a hug or in-person meeting, they provide a way of communicating with friends and loved ones that meets our need for human connection.

Structure and Routine
An essential part of mental health is to have a daily structure and schedule. One way that you can meet your need for structure is to make appointments with friends for a phone chat or meeting on another platform. Having planned phone calls or virtual meetings with friends on your calendar can go a long way to create a sense of routine in your life. Our bodies and brains are healthier and more content when we engage in specific activities that occur at predictable times. For instance, you can enroll in an online class on something that interests you (painting, cooking, creative writing, music, etc). I offer other examples on the page Use Structure and Routine to Get Through the Day.

Your Physical Body
Another important way of improving your mental health is through improving your physical health. Because the mind and the body are intimately connected, what is good for the body is good for the mind.

1) Give your body sufficient exercise. If your gym is closed, you can lift weights at home or walk or jog in your neighborhood. I still go weekly for bike rides with my cycling partners. The practice of yoga is particularly helpful in conditioning the body, calming the nervous system, and balancing the emotions. You can find online exercise, yoga, Tai Chi, or dance classes.

2) Drink plenty of water to hydrate your system. Make sure the water is pure, not city water. To ensure this, use a good water filter.

3) Meet your body’s need for sufficient sleep with a regular and consistent sleep schedule.

4) Eat a diet that contains a wide variety of fresh, unprocessed foods, buying organic whenever possible. Make sure you eat at regular intervals to keep your blood sugar stable.

5) Learn how to properly oxygenate your body through deep, diaphragmatic breathing.

6) Get enough exposure to natural light (morning hours are best), especially if you have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Light boxes are therapeutic for some people.

7)  Find a way to fulfill your body’s need for touch. Some massage therapists are still seeing clients.

8) Take care of your daily hygiene by showering, shaving, combing your hair, brushing your teeth, etc. Feeling clean will help you to feel better.

9) Give yourself positive messages to counter fear and anxiety about the future. We know that, like the stock market, people do not like uncertainty. John Nestadt, Co-Director of the Johns Hopkins Anxiety Disorders Clinic, adds that at the start of the Coronavirus pandemic, people could cope because there seemed to be a light at the end of the lockdown tunnel. But as it continued to drag on and on, the lack of a potential endpoint became a cause for depression and anxiety.  This “pandemic anxiety” is something we all are experiencing. “It’s the not knowing that will continue to drive anxiety,” Nestadt says. “Psychologically, humans can be much more resilient knowing when a challenging time will end, because they can aim toward that endpoint. This pandemic doesn’t have one, and that’s a big problem.” From my observation, it is this exact experience of not knowing when a painful state of mind will end that leads to thoughts of suicide.

Affirmations
There are a  number of affirmations you can use to replace this fear with positive messages. You can say to yourself: 

  • “Since the only constant in the universe is change, although I don’t know exactly when the pandemic will end, I can say with certainty–this too shall pass.” 
  • “I can handle whatever comes my way”
  • “Spirit is attracting the right and perfect support I need to cope with this pandemic.”
  • “As I focus on one day at at time, the future takes care of itself,”
  • And my favorite, “Oh hell, I’m well.”

There are also a number of the tools and coping strategies that can relieve worry, such as exercise, deep breathing, and meditation.

Remember, the world has survived wars, famines, economic depressions, and natural disasters, the 2008 financial crisis, and we will survive this. To quote the 14th-century mystic, Julian of Norwich, “All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.” 

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Welcome

Welcome to the website Overcoming Suicidal Pain

My name is Douglas Bloch, and I’m glad you’ve found your way to this site. I assume that you have come here because you are in distress and are considering suicide as a way to end that pain. If that is true, I hope that you are working with a mental health counselor. If you are not yet, I encourage you to seek one soon.

Your outlook on your situation has likely become constricted and you have developed tunnel vision, believing that there are no other options to end your pain except by ending your life. I have created this website in order to offer you hope that you can feel better and to provide you with the resources you need to survive your ordeal. I believe that if you can find ways to cope with your distress, or to diminish it even slightly, death will no longer seem like the only option.

My connection with suicide is both personal and professional. I have suffered from clinical depression since the age of eighteen, and many times in my life, when my agony was so great, I thought the only way to end it was to end my life. Fortunately, I found the support that I needed to safely emerge from my ordeal. I have also been touched by suicide through the untimely deaths of a number of people in my life. 

I offer written and video content on this site that are informed by my personal experience, as well as my years of supporting others with my books, YouTube channel, my website “Healing from Depression,” and peer support groups. You can engage further with the material and deepen your experience by participating in Journal Reflections and Activities at the end of most pages.

What I hope to provide is a way for you to see beyond your tunnel vision and to offer messages that say, “Wait! You do have other options. You can survive this agony if you can just hold on.” 

Suicidal crises are time-limited; they do not last forever. No matter how badly you may be feeling right now, I believe that you can survive your suicidal crisis. If you can hold on, persevere, and reach out for support, you will find renewed hope and begin to feel that life is worth living again.